To be lonely & popular…

“Only on the Internet can a person be lonely and popular at the same time.”
-Allison Burnett, Undiscovered Gyrl

If you’ve looked at any of my previous posts you know that I’m disgustingly honest. I slut out words and phrases that might not really mean anything to you but mean the world to me. I treat my blog like an online diary. Expressing the in’s and outs of my life. If I’m happy you can tell by the post and when I’m frustrated it is even more obvious. Not everyone is like this. Some people would rather remain anonymous because of fear or act out of character in order to develop a false sense of respect from others.

I was once one of those people and I’m not ashamed. I never lied but I tried to act like something I wasn’t. I spent all of middle school and high school trying to find my place. Don’t get me wrong I had “friends” but I never really stayed with one group very long. Eventually I would always get uncomfortable and leave. My life was nomadic and I didn’t feel satisfied until I was able to return home and get on the computer.

I was once one of those people and I’m not ashamed. I never lied but I tried to act like something I wasn’t. I spent all of middle school and high school trying to find my place. Don’t get me wrong I had “friends” but I never really stayed with one group very long. Eventually I would always get uncomfortable and leave. My life was nomadic and I didn’t feel satisfied until I was able to return home and get on the computer.

It felt refreshing to speak with other people who were just as lost as me. So refreshing that my parents had to put a curfew on the computer because I had been on it to long. However, as comfortable as it felt I didn’t feel connected. I had tons of “friends” on the internet. People constantly requesting for me to edit their pictures on Myspace, redo their Myspace page and etc. It just…it didn’t click.

It felt refreshing to speak with other people who were just as lost as me. So refreshing that my parents had to put a curfew on the computer because I had been on it to long. However, as comfortable as it felt I didn’t feel connected. I had tons of “friends” on the internet. People constantly requesting for me to edit their pictures on Myspace, redo their Myspace page and etc. It just…it didn’t click. Despite the amount of people I was able to talk to and find comfort in I was still alone. That was until I started trying to discover who I was by searching inward as opposed to searching outwards.

“If you learn to really sit with loneliness and embrace it for the gift that it is…an opportunity to get to know YOU, to learn how strong you really are, to depend on no one but YOU for your happiness…you will realize that a little loneliness goes a LONG way in creating a richer, deeper, more vibrant and colorful YOU.

-Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

My senior year I started to discover myself more and more and accept who I was despite what other people believed. I realized I hate playing sports for competition. I prefer a friendly serious game of basketball. The genre of music I’m into cannot really be classified I like it all and I love when music mashes together. I’m not easily influenced by the opinions of others and live up to my own standards. For years I tried to be what my father wanted trying to prove to him that I was worth being bragged about. The way he would brag about other children in front of me. I finally quit living in the shadows of my brothers. I wasn’t great at sports or poetry (I’m decent now) and I can accept that. Most important though I believe I’m a 10. Everyone is a 10. It wasn’t until I started believing in myself that I began to no longer feel lonely. That the people in my life felt as if they wanted to be in my life and weren’t there because I needed them or they needed to use me. Instead they’re here because I want them here not because we need each other. We’re our own people independent of one another.

Now I’m no longer lonely & popular.

Love,

Ashley Nicole.

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One thought on “To be lonely & popular…

  1. Pingback: In a world of “settlers” | Twe1ve2

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