To the man I could never love.

Photo By margot pandone

Awhile ago I began writing a series of short stories per say on each of the different guys that have been in my life relationship wise. I have nothing to do with the stories anymore. So I figured why not share them here. Either you all will love how brutally honest I was when I wrote them or you’ll hate me and unfollow my blog because of how disgusting I treated some people. There’s Josh who I just didn’t love and Charles who I wasn’t physically attracted to and then there’s John (and so many more). His was written out of scorn. Anyways this is basically the first one I wrote about Josh.

Josh wasn’t different but they rarely are. Most men won’t admit to the fact that they’re all the same. Not in the way that most women think but in the idea of ambitions and goals. Some are to conquer while others are to create.

Stop. Pause. Reevaluate that last statement.

No not just men but women, each individual person is the same. In one way or another we all have one goal. We all want something that fits to our own skin.

But Josh, Josh tried to convince me once that his father was dieing and that I couldn’t see his phone because he was texting him. Was he fucking serious? He honestly thought I wouldn’t notice that he was lying. To use your parents illness as a way to cheat on someone. What an excuse. I know it sounds outrageous but that was our relationship built on the beginnings of new life. He just wanted to be something he never was. In order to do that he had to start from scratch and build a life based upon lies he thought.

My favorites were how he got the scars on his back (he had a skin problem that a lot football players get from their shoulder pads). I swear the man who wrote the Dark Knight must have met him because the Jokers ever-changing scar stories and Josh’s were identical in effort. One story was that he was this huge gang member in New Jersey and he got set on fire. Another was that he robbed a gas station thinking it was a bank and got set on fire. Someone else told me he got into a car accident which killed his grandmother and got set on fire. He wanted a new life and who was I to judge.

We met my first week in college and I’m guessing he took an interest in me from the second he saw me. I’m not sure truthfully. I remember sitting by myself looking to the right at this guy just sitting outside of class. Not really doing anything just sitting. I’ve been told that the first time you see someone you instantly get some type of impression of them.You know solely off of appearances but I didn’t get anything from him. I just remember some portly guy sitting damn near across from me looking just as bored and lost as I did. I might have stared at him a bit and sent the wrong signals.


But no I’m just awkward from a distance. If I’m not comfortable in an environment I won’t talk. I don’t approach. I don’t speak. That’s how college was for me in the start. I was the typical freshmen, quiet and frightened. Just kind of minding my own business pretending that I was just as cool as everyone else. It was never an interest of mine to reinvent myself. I’ve always kept the same philosophy on life, we’re all ever adapting creatures. Meaning like, um, we change not to fit others but to fit ourselves. Don’t worry about what other people think as long as you’re happy with what you’re doing than you’re fine. Blah Blah Blah.

So naturally I assumed that once I got to college everyone would think that way and we would all be holding hands and frolicking through the campus in some sort of old 50’s high school musical scene. I was wrong. I had never met so many people built upon creating new images for their selves. Once I overheard some say that they were interested in dating a guy because he was a quarterback. Not the starting quarterback but like third strings back-up. This was over a guy who was just simply smart and interested in them but that’s beyond the point.

Josh and I ended up having the same class and we became friends or he became my friend and I became some prize needed to be obtained. I didn’t know at first but his “friends” had begun going around and telling guys that I was Josh’s girlfriend. When I had no damn interest in being with anybody. I really did try with this man but sadly I don’t know how to not lead people on and I am (was) entirely too nice to tell someone “hey I don’t want to date you”. So I started to hint subtly that I wasn’t interested.

We sat and talked about it once and he started crying full-blown baby I need you don’t go tears because I said I did not want to date him. I hugged him till he stopped when he told me he had never had to work so hard to get a girl to date him before. As if it was some honor that he took interest in me because he was a football player.

Looking back there is no way that I should have ever felt bad for him after he made a comment like that. People aren’t trophies and should not be idolized. I’m sorry I won his affection but he didn’t win mine.


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