In a world of “settlers”

Film: 500 Days of Summer

I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you.”
―Lisa Kleypas, Blue-Eyed Devil

If you’ve read any of my other blog posts on relationships you know by now I’m pretty open about my opinions on love, my life and everything under the stars (see Example A, Example B, Example C). Recently I’ve been evaluating what people want in a relationship by looking at the ones my friends are in, the ones I’ve been in, and the ones I’ve been able to outside observe. Basically, I’ve made a pretty big realization. I’m a settler and so are a lot of you…

Let me explain what I mean when I say “settler”. I’m not settling for someone because I don’t think I can do better, I’m not settling because I don’t think they can do better. I’m settling because I think they’re what I want when in actuality I have a feeling that they’re not so I just in essence settle until I finally just realize that it’s not working. Don’t get me wrong I’m not doing this to hurt anyone and I really do believe that we’ll work. I just always have a hunch that well…there’s something missing.

But in reality does anyone really know what they want? After all life is full of trial and error. I believe that love/relationships are the exact same way.

For example my friend Justin. Justin refuses to call this girl he has been seeing for quite some time his girlfriend. Why? In my opinion it’s because she’s missing something and he can’t quite figure out what it is. It’s not necessarily a physical thing (because I’m pretty sure he thinks she’s gorgeous) but they’re just not clicking 100%.

That happens sometimes. We don’t click and one day we wake up and everything’s different. They don’t smell the way we once thought they did. Their hair doesn’t have quite the same luster. The little things we once did together no longer interest us.

We need someone who vibes well with us. That feels like the sand to our ocean. For me in particular I need depth. I like to argue. Not the fist fighting type of arguing…it’s all non-violent this way. But I need someone who doesn’t always agree with me.

Someone who has their own opinion on topics.

Someone who wants to learn about the world.

Some of the people I’ve dated in the past weren’t shallow but weren’t very opinionated. At the time I didn’t realize how important conversation was to me so I “settled” despite me feeling something missing. I settled. I settled for the belief that I was wrong and that maybe dating my ex’s were good ideas (granted not all of them were awful).

Than again maybe I’m not a relationship person and my “settling” isn’t me missing something in someone and maybe yours isn’t either. Instead it was us “settling” for something that we weren’t really seeking (a relationship). Maybe we’re really seeking comfort, acceptance, love and while doing so we meet someone and for a split second they give us the feeling of what we’re looking for. You know somethings not quite right but you think you’re in love so you just let it be. A relationship happens and it ends as quickly or as slowly as it began.

And it hurts because you “settled” but you know relationships are all about trial and error.

(All images are from 500 Days of Summer…a film I advise you all to watch).

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