Not So Sunday Funday: Sometimes I’m Suicidal

What a great title right? Straight to the point.

I suffer from depression and sometimes it gets bad. I’ll overthink situations, my thoughts get dark and I can’t really control my actions from there. I guess what I’m saying is I’ve tried to kill myself. Not just once.

Life get’s hard and sometimes we don’t feel like we have anyone to talk to. We push the people away we do have and we’re left by ourselves. We start to feel lost and unloved. Familiar surroundings begin to look unfamiliar and for the most part (at least for me) anxiety kicks in.

All of that happened to me last night.

I got depressed and I took some pills I probably shouldn’t have. Living wasn’t an option anymore. I felt worthless, useless, and that’s what happens. You begin to feel irrelevant.

The carefree girl was gone and when I looked in the bathroom mirror as I took the pills I didn’t know who I was. Depression has that affect on people.

It sneaks up and suffocates you. It pulls you in, doesn’t release, and before you know it you’re here. You’re thinking about the easiest way to kill yourself. Pills, knife or noose? Suicide seems like the only option and you can’t quit thinking about it. Even as I write this I’m considering going back to old habits.

Death seems easier. You no longer have to deal with the pain of being alive and who wouldn’t want that? To escape heartbreak, to escape emotional abuse, to escape physical abuse and just the little things that weigh us down each day. I tried to kill myself yesterday.

This wasn’t the first time but I’m hoping it’ll be the last. African American females have one of the lowest suicide rates it’s the United States despite it’s increase over the years. I plan on keeping it that way.

Yes life can get hard but the fact that you can even feel that is amazing. We can feel heartache and lust. We can cry if we need to. Life may be full of terrible things but it’s also full of wonder and amazement. So I’m not going to think about suicide anymore today.

Does that mean I won’t tomorrow, no. It just means that today I’m choosing to stay alive. Today I’m reminding myself I’m worthy of love. Today I’m loving myself and hopefully tomorrow I’ll love myself too.

If you’re having suicidal thoughts please reach out for help. Please call this number if you need someone to talk to 1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you just need someone to chat with you can also feel free to contact 7cups.com. That site has helped me through a lot.

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2 thoughts on “Not So Sunday Funday: Sometimes I’m Suicidal

  1. Ashley I hope you continue to choose to live each and every day. I know it is a struggle and nothing I say can change that, but you must know that even if you have pushed people away they still love you. Don’t ever forget that because there is no better reason to continue on this journey called life than love! God Bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

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